There was a time when I thought that if:
I got straight A’s, I’d be praised
If I was thinner, I’d be complimented
If I was quiet, I’d be intriguing
If I spoke up, I’d be respected
If I were social, I’d be popular
If I were wilder, I’d be a hot commodity
If I were liberal, I would liberated
If I were funnier, I’d be the life of the party
If I was docile, I’d be respected
If I loved harder, I’d be loved in return
I thought that if I somehow managed the perfect balance of being what other’s wanted from me and what I wanted, I’d finally be viewed as an obedient daughter, loving granddaughter, niece, sister, cousin, dependable friend, a gracious lover. But trying to be all that to everyone left me unfulfilled and spent because in the midst of considering everyone else, I forgot about me.
Now, I’m working on putting my desires first because I’ve accepted that most of the steps that I take in this life are lonely, meaning the repercussions of my choices are mine to bear. And besides dealing with my personal disappointment has proven to be easier than the disappointment of others.